Maybe I'm crazy or we are a system

I've always been different, always ridiculed for just being myself. My brother was my number one critic, in typical GenX ways, he punished me regularly for being alive.  My parents were young teenagers when they got together, first a pregancy, then a marriage, and a baby was born, and passed away eight days later. As much as that was the universes way to say, they should part ways, they gave it another try. Soon as my brother was born my father had better things to do then to stay home after work, the bar was way more fun, and perfect for job prospects, he was a drywaller and general contractor who wasn't interested in punching a clock for a boss.  He had to network somewhere and if he had to much to drink, or didn't come home that night, that was just part of the job.  Keeping mom pregnant and keeping money away from her kept her home, whether or not she was happy.  (gotta love the 70's)  In the two years before my life began, my brother and father developed a bond like no other. He was a daddy's boy. Our father could do no wrong. Even when he would disappear for days. It was mom's fault.  I was born two years after my brother, and boy that was the first thing I did wrong. I was a girl, then when my mom finally got out of the toxic relationship with our father, It was my fault dad stopped coming around. 

I remember him telling my brother that he would come around more often but, because he had to take both of us, and didn't have enough room for both kids, and it wasn't fair because he just wanted to take my brother.  There was times when my father would find a girl friend who had kids our age, so she could pay for a baby sitter while he would go out to the bars with said girl friends.  Most of the kids those women would have were boys my brothers age. The sitters were often the older siblings.  I don't recall much of those times. I know I would have nightmares and still do, and don't have conscience memories of those times.  I know there was a time my mom put a rule that I can not be babysat by anyone but my grandmother for my safety, which was more fuel for my dad to put a wedge between my brother and mother.  

I don't know what my purpose for this blog,